Israel
In a shocking escalation of holiday-season tensions, palace officials confirmed today that King Saul attempted to pin young David to the wall after catching him playing Christmas music before the official start of the Thanksgiving feast.
Witnesses say the incident occurred early in the morning when David, freshly caffeinated and apparently feeling festive, began strumming what sources are calling “an unmistakably jolly rendition” of Joy to the World on his lyre.
According to one palace servant, Saul froze mid-bite of his pre-breakfast turkey leg.
“He looked confused at first,” the servant reported. “Then horrified. Then the king whispered, ‘It’s still November… he wouldn’t dare.’”
Moments later, Saul allegedly bellowed, “NOT BEFORE THE HARVEST FESTIVAL!” and hurled his royal spear across the room. David dodged the projectile—reportedly with the same agility he later used against a large Philistine and, also, small children trying to steal cookies cooling on the palace windowsill.
When questioned about the incident, David shrugged.
“I don’t see the problem,” he said, tuning his lyre. “The earlier the Christmas music starts, the sooner people feel joy. Also, Saul asked for something ‘uplifting.’ I thought he meant ‘Mariah-adjacent.’”
Royal advisors were quick to clarify that while King Saul does enjoy holiday cheer, he believes all Israelites should adhere to the strict Fall Festival First policy, which requires gratitude-themed celebrations, pumpkin-spice sacrifices, and ceremonial reenactments of “that time the Lord gave us food even though we definitely didn’t deserve it.”
Public reaction has been mixed.
Some citizens agree with Saul, insisting it is a slippery slope from early carols to year-round garland. Others defend David, claiming that if you don’t start at least lightly humming carols in mid-autumn, you’ll never be emotionally prepared for December.
In response to the uproar, palace musicians have proposed a compromise: no Christmas music until after the Thanksgiving offering—but sleigh bells may be jingled quietly in private as long as they do not exceed “moderate festivity.”
Meanwhile, Saul’s spear has been retrieved and placed back on its ceremonial hook, though officials admit it may see action again if David even thinks about playing Feliz Navidad before the Feast of Booths.
David, however, remains undeterred.
“Next week I’m introducing the king to the concept of Christmas lights,” he said. “Pray for me.”
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