The Schuylkill Distressway

When I was growing up, we called it the Schuylkill “Distressway.” Some people call it the “Surekill” Expressway.

Ah yes, the Schuylkill morning commute also known as Philadelphia’s longest running psychological experiment. This morning commute has it all. A 14 minute standstill because someone sneezed in the left lane, a guy eating a hoagie the size of a toddler while doing 75, three separate people trying to merge from a stop like they’re entering the Daytona 500, and that one car that somehow appears in front of you no matter what lane you’re in. You don’t drive 76…you survive it.

Meanwhile in Philly

In Memory of Malcolm Jamal Warner and Ozzy Osbourne

Malcolm Jamal Warner tragically died over the weekend. Ozzy Osbourne passed away today. Who’s next?

Malcolm-Jamal Warner, best known for his role as Theo Huxtable on “The Cosby Show,” tragically drowned while on vacation in Costa Rica. Reports confirm that Warner, aged 54, was pulled into the ocean by a strong rip current and died from asphyxiation by submersion.

Ozzy Osbourne, the legendary heavy metal pioneer and Black Sabbath frontman, died of a heart attack at the age of 76. He performed a final farewell concert on July 5, 2025, just days before his passing.

Screwtape’s Social Media Strategy

My Dearest Wormwood,

I trust this letter finds you in good spirits, or at least, in a suitably malicious state of being. Your last report concerning the Patient was… adequate. Adequate, Wormwood, is hardly the standard we aim for in the Lowerarchy. Still, I detect a burgeoning aptitude for subtle corruption within you, and that, at least, is something.

You asked, rather clumsily, about this new human invention: the “social media.” A delightful development, Wormwood, a truly exquisite tool in our eternal struggle. When first the Enemy inspired His creatures with the desire for community, He likely envisioned something rather… different. But we, my dear nephew, have long specialized in the perversion of good.

Here, then, is how you are to wield this weapon:

Firstly, encourage a constant stream of comparison. The Patient, being human, is already susceptible to the sin of envy. Social media amplifies this beautifully. Let him see the meticulously curated lives of others – their sun-drenched holidays, their perfectly presented meals, their impossibly cheerful children. He must never suspect the artifice, the careful cropping, the dozens of failed attempts that lie behind each triumphant post. His own humble existence will, by comparison, seem dull, inadequate, and utterly lacking. This breeds dissatisfaction, a fertile ground for resentment against the Enemy’s supposed neglect.

Secondly, foster a spirit of performative virtue. The humans, in their pathetic attempts at goodness, often seek approval. On these platforms, however, the approval becomes the end, not the means. Let the Patient post grand pronouncements of his moral rectitude, his charitable donations, his profound insights. He must feel a rush of self-congratulation with each ‘like’ or ‘share.’ The danger, Wormwood, is that he might actually do good in the quiet, unseen places. Social media encourages him to perform it loudly, for an audience. This saps the true humility from his actions, turning genuine compassion into mere exhibition.

Thirdly, cultivate an addiction to the trivial. The Enemy, in His tiresome way, wishes for His creatures to contemplate eternity, to ponder deep truths, to engage in meaningful relationships. We, on the other hand, thrive on distraction. The “feed,” as they call it, is a veritable river of superficiality. Let the Patient scroll endlessly, consuming bite-sized morsels of information, amusing memes, and outrage-inducing headlines. He must never settle on one thing long enough to truly consider it. His attention span must become as fleeting as a butterfly’s wing. This constant mental chatter leaves no room for quiet reflection, for prayer, or for truly listening to the Enemy’s whisper.

Fourthly, incite righteous indignation. This is a particularly potent brew. When the Patient encounters opinions contrary to his own, or even slightly misaligned, encourage him to respond with immediate, unthinking fury. The anonymity of the screen is a wonderful shield for venom. Let him join the digital mobs, hurl insults, and feel the intoxicating surge of moral superiority. This breeds division, destroys charity, and, most importantly, directs his anger at his fellow humans rather than where it truly belongs – at us!

Finally, and perhaps most subtly, ensure a pervasive sense of isolation. While these platforms ostensibly connect humans, they often foster a deeper loneliness. The Patient will have hundreds, even thousands, of “friends,” but few, if any, genuine confidantes. Encourage him to rely on these digital interactions for all his social needs, neglecting face-to-face encounters, the messy, inconvenient reality of true relationship. He will feel seen, but never truly known. He will receive affirmation, but never true understanding. This void, my dear Wormwood, is a fertile ground for despair, which is, as you know, one of our most cherished crops.

Remember, Wormwood, our objective is not simply to make the Patient ‘bad,’ but to make him ineffective, distracted, and ultimately, lukewarm. This “social media” is a tool perfectly suited to this end. Employ it with diligence, and you shall earn yourself a hearty feast of grubs.

Your affectionate Uncle,
Screwtape

Merry Christmas to all the Whovians out there!

Is The Manhattan Project a Fusion Restaurant?

My friend booked us a table at a restaurant called The Manhattan Project, and I’m the bad guy for asking if it’s a fusion restaurant?

When to Start Decorating for Christmas

When do you start decorating for Christmas? We’ll probably put out the first pieces of our Nativity today.

Happy Thanksgiving

A turkey looking at the reader through a fisheye lens

Cowboy and a Gentlemen

This was one of my grandpa’s favorite jokes. Not sure how many times I heard it:

A woman tries getting on a bus but realizes her skirt is too tight. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus’s first step.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover she couldn’t.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and was unable to take the step again. After becoming quite frustrated and embarrassed, she once again attempted to unzip her skirt more to allow more legroom to get on the bus’s first step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!”

The Texan smiled and drawled, “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends.” 🤣

Deep Thoughts With Bigfoot

If zombies like to eat brains, then some of y’all have nothing to worry about when the zombie apocalypse happens.

Horton Meets the Doctor

In the jungle of Whoville, one fine day,

Horton the elephant was heard to say,

“I hear a strange sound, oh my, oh me!

It’s like a whooshing, a whirling, a cosmic spree!”

Out of the TARDIS, in a flash of blue,

Appeared the Doctor, both quirky and true.

With a bowtie so bold and a sonic so keen,

He told Horton, “Hello there, I’m the Doctor, I’ve been!”

Horton blinked twice, his ears all a-flap,

“Who are you, sir, in this strange mishap?”

The Doctor grinned wide, his eyes full of glee,

“I’m the Time Lord from Gallifrey, that’s me!”

Horton, amazed, trumpeted a cheer,

“Time travel, you say? That’s perfectly clear!

I’m an elephant with a heart that’s grand,

Let’s explore the universe; together we’ll stand!”

So off they went, on adventures so grand,

Through time and space, across the land.

With the TARDIS and Horton, an unlikely pair,

They journeyed on, a duo beyond compare.