King Saul Hurls Spear At David For Playing Christmas Music Before Thanksgiving

Israel

In a shocking escalation of holiday-season tensions, palace officials confirmed today that King Saul attempted to pin young David to the wall after catching him playing Christmas music before the official start of the Thanksgiving feast.

Witnesses say the incident occurred early in the morning when David, freshly caffeinated and apparently feeling festive, began strumming what sources are calling “an unmistakably jolly rendition” of Joy to the World on his lyre.

According to one palace servant, Saul froze mid-bite of his pre-breakfast turkey leg.
“He looked confused at first,” the servant reported. “Then horrified. Then the king whispered, ‘It’s still November… he wouldn’t dare.’”

Moments later, Saul allegedly bellowed, “NOT BEFORE THE HARVEST FESTIVAL!” and hurled his royal spear across the room. David dodged the projectile—reportedly with the same agility he later used against a large Philistine and, also, small children trying to steal cookies cooling on the palace windowsill.

When questioned about the incident, David shrugged.
“I don’t see the problem,” he said, tuning his lyre. “The earlier the Christmas music starts, the sooner people feel joy. Also, Saul asked for something ‘uplifting.’ I thought he meant ‘Mariah-adjacent.’”

Royal advisors were quick to clarify that while King Saul does enjoy holiday cheer, he believes all Israelites should adhere to the strict Fall Festival First policy, which requires gratitude-themed celebrations, pumpkin-spice sacrifices, and ceremonial reenactments of “that time the Lord gave us food even though we definitely didn’t deserve it.”

Public reaction has been mixed.

Some citizens agree with Saul, insisting it is a slippery slope from early carols to year-round garland. Others defend David, claiming that if you don’t start at least lightly humming carols in mid-autumn, you’ll never be emotionally prepared for December.

In response to the uproar, palace musicians have proposed a compromise: no Christmas music until after the Thanksgiving offering—but sleigh bells may be jingled quietly in private as long as they do not exceed “moderate festivity.”

Meanwhile, Saul’s spear has been retrieved and placed back on its ceremonial hook, though officials admit it may see action again if David even thinks about playing Feliz Navidad before the Feast of Booths.

David, however, remains undeterred.

“Next week I’m introducing the king to the concept of Christmas lights,” he said. “Pray for me.”

The Humble Penny

How Many Are Still Out There?

The question of how many pennies are currently in circulation in the United States yields a surprisingly broad answer. While it’s difficult to pin down an exact figure, estimates from authoritative sources like the Federal Reserve, the U.S. Mint, and the American Bankers Association suggest a vast number: anywhere from an estimated 114 billion to 300 billion pennies.

This wide range is largely because a significant number of pennies are stored in homes—think coin jars, drawers, and car cup holders—and are thus severely underutilized in daily commerce. This makes precise tracking of the active money supply a challenge for financial institutions.

Despite the common use of the penny, the U.S. Mint made a significant announcement to cease circulating production in November 2025. Pennies, however, will remain legal tender and can continue to be used for transactions. The decision to halt production was purely an economic one: it was costing the government approximately 3.7 cents to produce a single one-cent coin, leading to an annual financial loss.

So, what’s next for the humble one-cent coin? The existing supply will gradually diminish over time as pennies are lost or otherwise removed from circulation. In the future, some retailers might adopt a practice of rounding cash transactions to the nearest nickel, a system already in place in countries such as Canada. For collectors, the U.S. Mint will still produce numismatic (collector) versions of the penny in limited quantities, ensuring the coin’s legacy endures even as its role in everyday commerce fades.

Big Pete

A Troll sculpture by Thomas Dambo in the Charlotte River District

Why Islam Is Incompatible with American Democracy

The United States is built on a secular Constitution that enshrines popular sovereignty, individual liberties, separation of church and state, and equality under man-made law. Orthodox Islamic doctrine, as understood by most classical and contemporary scholars, rejects these foundations in favor of God’s absolute rule through Sharia. Here are the core reasons for this irreconcilable clash:

Divine Sovereignty vs. “We the People”

The U.S. Constitution begins with “We the People” as the ultimate source of political authority. In orthodox Islam, sovereignty (hakimiyya) belongs exclusively to Allah. The Quran declares: “Legislation is not but for Allah” (12:40). Thinkers like Sayyid Qutb and Ayatollah Khomeini called man-made constitutions shirk (polytheism—because they place humans in the role of lawgiver. To an orthodox Muslim, swearing an oath to “support and defend the Constitution” (as required of officials and citizens) risks compromising tawhid if the Constitution ever conflicts with Sharia.

Sharia Supremacy vs. Constitutional Supremacy

Sharia is considered divine, eternal, and superior to any human document. Traditional rulings on apostasy (punishable by death), blasphemy, homosexuality, gender roles, inheritance, and interest banking directly contradict First, Fifth, Eighth, and Fourteenth Amendment protections. Even “moderate” applications often demand Sharia’s precedence: many American Muslim organizations (e.g., CAIR, ISNA) have historically supported the idea that the Quran, not the Constitution, is the highest authority for Muslims. A 2011 survey found significant minorities of U.S. Muslims believing Sharia should override the Constitution in certain matters.

No Separation of Religion and State

American democracy rests on the First Amendment’s Establishment and Free Exercise Clauses—no state religion, no religious test for office. Islam, in its classical form, is a total system (din) where religion and politics are inseparable. The goal of many orthodox movements is to establish Allah’s rule on earth. Implementing full American-style secularism is viewed as kufr (unbelief) by traditional scholars. As one prominent voice put it: “The mosque and state are one.”

Equality vs. Islamic Hierarchy

The Constitution guarantees equal protection and rejects religious discrimination. Traditional Sharia institutes legal inequality: non-Muslims (dhimmi status, jizya tax), women (half inheritance, testimony worth half a man’s), and mandates punishments (hudud) that violate “cruel and unusual” standards. LGBTQ rights, freedom to change religion, and unrestricted free speech (including criticizing Islam) are non-negotiable in America but prohibited under orthodox Sharia.

In short, while reformist or cultural Muslims can thrive under the Constitution by treating faith as private, orthodox Islam—committed to Sharia as Allah’s unchangeable law—views the core principles of American constitutional democracy as heretical. The two systems cannot fully coexist without one yielding to the other.